Sunday, March 22, 2015

The "ME" I Used to Be...



The “me” I used to be…

March 22, 2015

I guess the colder weather has had me a little reminiscent or something to that effect. It seems that my topics have become a little not-so-fun as I’d originally intended this blog to be. Sometimes certain things come into my mind and I feel like writing about them and sharing them, so, that is the reason for the more serious tones that I’ve taken lately. I hope that they’re still fun or at least thought provoking to you all as you’re reading them.

The thought for this one came as a result of some posts on Facebook from some people that I went to high school with. Different ones posting about the “remember when’s,” favorite classes and teachers, things we all did back in “the day.” You know the kind of posts I’m talking about. Well, the whole thing got me to thinking about how much of that part of my life I feel like I really don’t remember. I remember certain things; proms, specific teachers, close friends, firsts. I even remember my bus driver’s name. But it feels like so much that I probably should have paid attention to, so I would have better memories of it later, I seem to have lost. I know – getting older will do that to you, but I’m really not all that old yet.

I also wonder about the “me” that I was back then. I have always been terribly goofy and awkward. There are times, even now, in a new or unfamiliar situation; I couldn’t say “crap” with a mouthful of the stuff. I’m still just as clumsy now as I was when I was younger, possibly even more so – if that’s possible. I run my mouth about as much now as I did back then, probably even more so now that I get paid to talk to kids all day long. So there are some things that are the same as they’ve always been. I still like to argue (about certain things) and I still like to meet and talk to new people, so I’m still the “politician” my Pap-Paw always told me I was. And I’m still as big of a nerd now (maybe more so) as I was back then. What I don’t really remember was “who” I was back then.

I went to a small high school. Everybody pretty much knew everything about everyone. There were only sixty-eight in my graduating class, so we were a pretty close-knit group – all in all. There were small clicks; that happens with any group of teenagers, but nothing huge. We had ones that were what we called “preppy.” That mostly consisted of the cheerleaders and football players or the kids that were really, really smart – not all of them, mind you, fell into the category, but that was the general gist. The other click was what we called the “rednecks.” That mostly consisted of anybody that wore jeans and boots, or leather to school every day. I guess these were more of the ones that just didn’t conform to the rules or that didn’t really care what others thought of them. Then, there was everybody else in between. I was never a cheerleader nor was I among the very smart. I did wear boots to school a lot (still do as a matter of fact) but, I wasn’t rebellious. I was too scared of doing something wrong or getting in trouble to do anything rebellious. I supposed that means I fell into the in between category. I remember having friends of all sorts of “clicks,” so I don’t really know where I fell as far as social convention are concerned. I hope I was never mean to anyone, and I can honestly say that no one was really what one would call mean to me. There were times of disagreements with this one or that, but nothing terrible and nothing that left scars – physically or mentally.

I remember being very dependent on what people thought.  That is different now because I don’t have to have validation or approval to do something or think a certain way. I remember being very na├»ve, and I guess to an extent I still am this. I always think that everyone’s motives and intentions are genuine and wind up getting hurt in the process. I’ve always been strong willed and opinionated, but I remember being somewhat weak when I was younger. Life and some of the things that have happened to me over the years have hardened that. I can still have my weak moments, but nothing that I’m afraid to fight now. I remember feeling like a relationship validated who I was, like I was nothing without that guy with me. That has definitely changed. I have a wonderful relationship and marriage with my husband, but who I am is not validated by the relationship; it is encouraged and nurtured by the relationship, but it’s not what defines me as a person. That lesson took a while for me to learn. There was a time that I felt like I was lowly and didn’t deserve love or happiness, but that has definitely changed. My marriage has taught me of love and of happiness and that all people, no matter who they are deserve to be loved and to be happy.

I’m sure there are many other “for instances” that I could call up here, but I think I’ve touched on the important ones. I don’t really know who I was 20+/- years ago, but I do know who I am now. I am a strong, independent (probably too much so sometimes), opinionated, nerdy, goofy, awkward, clumsy, genuine woman who is now strong enough to think for herself and lucky enough to have love and be loved by my very best friend in the whole world.  So while I’m still the same Laura as I’ve always been, many traits, thoughts, needs, etc. of me are very different from the Laura I was many years ago.

The last thing that I wonder about, am I the only one who sits and ponders this stuff, or are there any others out there that have or do wonder the same things? Lol. Maybe not, but I’m probably the only one that takes the time to write about them! 

Tune in next time…